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Hi,

I'm new to the forum… but I have been Dr.A's patient for over 2 years.. Actually — It's been so long since I first talked to my GP in Duncan about getting the surgery that I can't remember exactly when I asked for that referral… I think it was in 2006…

At my heaviest – I weighed 349 pounds. That was in 2004. I feel so discouraged right now – I feel like I can't even begin to explain it. I was doing really really well with losing weight on my own. I actually managed to get my weight down to 242. I managed over a 2-3 year period to lose over 100 pounds. Some of it was by changing my eating — but there was another issue going on which actually was a cause for both the huge gains when we didn't know what was going on — and big losses when we did, and were treating it.

Back in 2003 I developed a weird rash on my hands and feet. I didn't know what it was… and at the same time as this happened — I began to be very tired all the time. I tried to excercise – I tried to go for walks. But some days – it honestly took every bit of strength and willpower in me just to walk from my house to the parking lot/my car. I didn't know what the problem was… I did tell my doctor at the time and he told me that I just needed to excercise more. It was around this time that I also found that I ached all over… every morning I was in pain getting out of bed. I would wake up at night from the pain in my joints. I complained about it to my GP and nothing was done… the rash on my hands and feet got worse…the pain and exhaustion did not subside… and I got very depressed — because I couldn't function… I started to develop anxiety problems… and I just kept shutting down parts of my life bits at a time to accomodate the problems with the joint pain and the exhaustion which by then, I had almost completely convinced myself were "all in my head".

That period of time I ended up gaining the most weight… and I was living in the US and did not have health coverage… I did not know what was going on — and my health got worse and worse until finally a miracle happened after I moved home… I moved to Victoria and found a new GP here — and by a sheer coincidence he diagnosed me with pssoriasis. He suffers from it himself and so he's well versed on all the trends in treatment. By the time I had started to see him I had given up on even talking about the pain or the exhaustion…In any case — he ordered a routine MRI — because 20% of psorriasis patients have pssiroratic arthritis. When I came back to see him a week later – I was absolutely shocked… The MRI revealed that I had severe pssoriatic arthritis everywhere. He told me that I would need to start using a scooter and that I was not to walk more than a city block…

This was absolutely shocking to me… In fact – the whole debacle has not completely sunk in… I spent over 3 years, exhausted and in pain all the time…and had just given up that things were going to get better and thinking that there must be something very very wrong with me… because everybody else in the world gets old – and has stiff joints etc… but they don't complain about it — and it doesn't limit their lives…

In any case — I was prescribed pain management medication and it was a miracle. All of a sudden I had energy again… I could walk up flights of stairs without even thinking about it.. Before that — I would have to spend a good couple of minutes and mentally bracing myself to prepare to go up or down stairs.. All of a sudden, I could lift my baby boy… without fear of dropping him — I could take him for walks in the park… I had energy again. It was an amazing transformation. I dropped 45 pounds…

Last summer – I was doing so well… I quit smoking — I was excercising every day. I had energy… I got accepted to Law School… and then we had a series of financial crises — and I ended up having a breakdown… and I was in hospital for a month. I was prescribed heavy duty medication after the breakdown… my arthritis which had gotten so much better over the warm/hot summer started to creep back… I felt stoned all the time… and I experienced just a weird weird thing… I started craving food — and eating… and I could not stop.

I was luckily able to restrict the eating to healthy foods like corn, or apples or pasta – not pop, chips, candy or junk… But there were some days when I would eat 2 bags of corn… That's all I would eat… I honestly felt like I couldn't stop. Food became something of an anesthetic… I felt stoned all the time on these meds they had me on — and I was told that because of the breakdown I needed to not stress and to relax as much as possible.

I had been keeping my food diary which was also doubling as an emotional diary (for the quitting smoking) — where I kept track of all my medications, food intake and writing down when I was craving a cigarette… but after I got out of hospital – I just felt so befuddled for 2-3 months, I didn't have the discipline to do that…

Without paying such close attention to things — and by letting myself go and eating whenever I wanted… without the careful tracking I had been doing for so long — my weight crept back up… I was/am now back to 300 pounds. And I feel just horrific about it.

I know that I did it the right way before — slowly – and with lifestyle change and excercise… but it took Sooo long — and it's so goddamn frustrating that in just a few short months — it all came back.

I've been talking with my GP about being able to get off or seriously reduce some of the meds he has me on — because I really do feel like the lethargy and these insane cravings — are due in part to the meds… weight gain is an associated side-effect of these meds… But at the same time – I know that I am responsible for what happened here. Right now, my doc won't let me stop taking the meds… I need a psych consult before we can do that….

But I feel trapped…

I was doing so great at 242… I had energy and I was able to wear really great clothes…

One thing I want to ask people is — have they ever gone through something like I am about to describe…

There times in my life where I have either gained lots of weight or lost lots of weight — were both times were I felt like I was sort of carried away by the momentum… whichever way it was going…I lost over 90 pounds in my early 20s — after my son was born… and at a certain point… I was not really even trying to lose weight…. it was almost effortless. I was for the most part – busy and happy… I was desperately poor… and I did not have any help with my son… and I did not have a car — so I walked everywhere… and at a certain point – the weightloss was absolutely effortless.

I didn't have to think about it. I ate when I was hungry. And I paid attention to my body and did not eat when I was not hungry… mostly because I didn't have the budget for it — but also because I was trying to pay attention to it.

I also experienced the same thing over the past 3 years with losing over 100 pounds… at a certain point the momentum kicks in — and I'm not saying it's entirely without effort — but it becomes easier.. You lose weight – you look better, you feel better and this motivates you… You feel happier – so food isn't a consoling force or if it is – you don't need it as much.

But the same is also true of weight gain…My eating has been absolutely out-of-control for the past 5 months… Every day I tell myself that I won't over-eat. Every time I go to the fridge – I tell myself I shouldn't. And I do it anyways. It's like this weird amnesia takes over… I eat and then I tell myself I won't do that again… and I make ridiculous promises to myself like… now I won't eat anything until I have lost 1 pound.  But then my husband makes dinner — and I will spend 2-3 hours telling myself to not eat it… and avoiding the kitchen… but then — I tell myself… ok… I'm really hungry and I should eat something…  and then I've broken the promise to myself to not eat…and I feel bad about it — and resolve to not do it again.. and to keep the promise to myself next time… wash rinse repeat… wash rinse repeat.

Its a form of insanity… it really is.

It really feels like it's out of my control… I've been telling myself for 3 months now – almost every day – that I step on the scale and my weight goes up and up… that it's got to stop…

Or — I will step on the scale after maybe 2-3 days of being good… and the scales show a drop… and I relax just a little… and then I go off again.

And I know how insane this is — I quit smoking… cold turkey back in July. And it was great — I managed to make it through the breakdown and recovery without smoking or even wanting to smoke…

But I got so depressed and felt so shitty over Christmas… and I talked myself into smoking again… I am going to quit again… and it's going to be a process… I know — because I did a lot of work with my journaling and counseling in the process of quitting…but I knew it paid off – because at a certain point – in July… I just woke up one morning and I did not want to smoke. It felt like it was over. The addiction/obsession with cigarettes which I had had since I was 14 years old was gone.

I woke up that morning and I felt for the first time in my life that I was worth being healthy. That I was worth having a long life… that my body deserved better.

It's so scary to remember how profoundly I felt that way… to the core of my being back in July… and to now take a look at myself — smoking again, with my weight back up to half of what I lost… and wonder how did I lose it? How did I lose that control? How did I lose that sense of worth? how did I just give up?

What happened? Yes — my GP and I have talked about the medication issue — and yes, I think there is an element of that in all this — but I don't think that's it entirely.

I am just so tired… I've been struggling for the most part with being fat since I was 13 years old. I worry that this will never get better… that there will always be this roller coaster going on… where I can spend years losing weight only to succumb to these dark depressive episodes and medications and self-defeat and watch it come back in droves in months.

I wanted so badly to be able to lose the weight on my own. But I feel utterly defeated now.

Hey Roxannetara

First of all let me thank you for sharing from your heart.  You have come to the right place and you are not alone.  I am an emotional eater.  If I am stressed or upset than all I want to do is eat and eat and eat some more.  I was born into a family where Obesity was the norm, food was our comfort, quality time with each other revolved around food.  I was always called fat by the kids growing up and I believed I was grotesque and fat.  I look back now and sure I wasnt really skinny but I certainly wasnt fat either.

Some of my becoming fat was also because I did not want to be attractive.  I had been raped by a boyfriend and I no longer felt beautful or good about myself.  So I created a person and physical body that showed how I felt about myself.  I went through a few years of counselling and can honestly say now that I am BEAUTIFUL and I DESERVE to be loved and to be healthy. 

I have chosen to go the surgery route because it is a tool that will help me get the weight off and KEEP IT OFF!  I know how you feel about the roller coaster as well.  In the 2 years of this journey I have managed to lose about 60 lbs but it was up and down at times.  I would eat, and exercise regularily and then something would happen that made me physically incapable of exercising and I would start eating again and the weight would go up again.  I remember how excited I was when the scale hit 299lbs.  I finally broke the 300 barrier.

Now I am 269 and am proud of what I have accomplished.  I hope my story has helped you to see that you are not alone and that we/I truly do understand exactly what you are feeling.

Hope to hear from you again and to share in your journey to a thinner healthier you.

Love

Roxeanne

Hi Roxannetara:

I'm glad that you posted your story. Your not alone. I had never considered myself to be different from others until I entered school at 6 years of age. I went through school for 12 years and had been bullied for all of those years. Back then, there was no title of bully; but rather that is just the way kids were and I had to make the best of the situation. I have always been heavy. I was portrayed by others to be the kid that you didn't want on the teams, last kid picked. I was never athletic back then, I always came in last and P.E. teachers never let me forget it. As a matter of fact some teachers in high school were of the same opinion as the students. When I was in grade 10, a gang of students lead by one student who had been a friend, decided to pounce on me. I have grown up and  have had trouble trusting most people, and have never entered into a relationship. I was near the tallest one in my class and wore glasses by the time I was 8 years old. I had considered myself to have no real friends, because as soon as I would try to have one; that person was gone into a different cliche of students in which I didn't belong. I grew up in a loving home but one in which I was overprotected, so the times that I wanted to try something different were quickly squashed. Once I was out of school I had no idea what to do with my life. I did numerous college courses. I didn't choose a career until I was 35 when I finally decided to go to nursing school. I graduated with a degree when I was 40. But even during nursing school I didn't feel accepted. I struggled through out those years and my depression became so bad, that I had thought about giving up on everything. I am so thankful that I have a GP who cares, who listened and who helped me see my worth. When I was 43, I finally got my first full time job. I have struggled with depression, low self-esteem, and low self-worth. When I was 26, I worked for my church and within 1 1/2 years had been spiritually abused. As much as I struggled ,I wasn't able to actually name this abuse until it has recently been brought to my attention and which is something that I am now working through. For me food was a sanctuary, it was something that I could control. However the cost that I pay for it is my health. I have been the main caregiver for my parents, my father died 3 years ago; and I currently live at home to take care of my mom. Through a lot of counselling, I am now a stronger person. I now think that I am worth a whole lot more than what I gave myself credit for. I am now exercising and working at eating properly. My confidence in myself is slowly becoming stronger but I know that I still have much work to do. My highest weight, 307 lbs and I am now approaching 280 lbs. I am choosing surgery as a tool, so that I can become that healthy person and be able to learn to enjoy life and most of all because I am worth it and I do have a lot to offer to myself and to others. Welcome aboard. Hugs, Frances.