things I am celebrating, contemplating and complaining about!

Well I am 56 days away from my RNY surgery. I can’t say how greatful I am that it is finally my turn– after 6 years of waiting, it is going to finally be MY TURN! I was thinking about some of the ways that obesity has shaped my life and changed me as a person. For one, my outer shell of fat has made me insecure and moody. I know the mood swings also has to do with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which I have…but it’s the constant unhappiness of being this weight. Now here I am doing good, I’m exercising MORE if thats possible, I am eating the healthiest I have ever eaten in my life and still the scale went up 2lbs!! putting me now at 230!!!! I am soooo mad I could scream. I was really looking forward to that liquid diet that Dr A told me to do, but now he says to not bother, so I guess I wait for my tool to be surgically sculpted within me. So now on to my insecurities. I have always had trust issues coming from a family where there was infidelity among family members. I have always had a bad view of men. Now that I am older and in a relationship of 7.5 years, I have to always stop those thoughts in my head “is he looking at her because she’s thin?” It’s always in my head. it’s something that has shaped many of our fights and it’s the only thing standing between us and marriage. How can I love somebody I don’t trust? I don’t understand love or it’s feelings, but I’m pretty sure that you should be able to trust the one your with. Now he hasn’t been perfect let me tell you that…but I think it was more or less my insecurities that made him pull away from me and into something else. (he didnt cheat) lol. When we’re watching a movie and a sex scene comes onto the screen, as a guy I’m sure he’d like to watch it…but I fast forward because if I have to sit there and see him watching another girl that doesn’t look like me and he’s liking it…I will go insane. This disease of obesity has shaped many things about my life mostly in a negative light. Now , I will say one thing that I might not have seen as a thin person. Being overweight, I am very tuned in to others emotions and needs. I feel compassion to those around me who need it. a lot of my thin friends overlook other people. I see others. Some people might be confused with this so let me explain. I think it was from being bullied in school when I was younger. I became used to noticing things about other people to keep from being bullied. I noticed what affected their moods and what made them happy. I have a lot of empathy for others. More often than not, I think of others more than myself which has to change!. Now to what I am celebrating…I am celebrating numbers! I have 6 weeks of work left, I have 56 days until surgery and I have exactly 1,344 hours until I am officially a new woman. I have to spend another $60.00 to get another gym punch card and I want to save 8,000.00 just incase I need skin removal surgery and for a vacation!! I want to finally go on a vacation when I am at my goal!. I’m thinking Australia or New Zealand?? any ideas??
Thanks for listening to me once again!
xoxo and thank you for your support.

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