Why Do We Eat, Eat, Eat?

Author:
Ron Merk

This has been a tough article for me to write. I’ve made a dozen starts and each time it just didn’t read the way I felt inside. If you’re like me, you’ve fought being overweight most of your life. Frankly in my case, I failed miserably. Every year I put more pounds on until I found myself trapped in a body that wasn’t me and that there seemed no escape from. In addition, I had a whole host of obesity related medical conditions including high blood pressure, asthma, heal spurs, diabetes and many more, some of which are so personal, I haven’t even shared them with my family.

Being fat is like living in a dark, foreboding world where no one understands how trapped you feel and how scared you are. Each day becomes a nightmare where every action is a tremendous effort. From the moment your eyes open, you wonder will this be the day? Just getting out of bed feels almost insurmountable. I had to use a special tool to put my socks on, because I couldn’t reach my feet. Everything hurt and I mean everything!

People were the worst. “Why did you let you self get so fat?” … (that one came from a former family physician). Everywhere people stared all the time. I’m sure there were many rude comments made behind my back. I even had a boss tell me that I could have “risen to a top senior executive position, if I just wasn’t over weight.” As much as I love little kids, It hurts when they came right out and would ask “why are you so fat”, especially in front of all the rest of the people at what ever event I happened to be brave enough to go to.

Everyone I’ve ever met who has never been over weight assumes that I could control it, especially most of the medical staff I’ve dealt with over the years. Although most of them are trained to be “professional” about it, I could always see it in their eyes.

I could NEVER understand the discrimination towards me. Even now the thoughts of how people treated me and other overweight people still hurts. Did any of them for one minute think I wanted to be like this? I would have given just about anything to have been a normal weight! There is not an addiction on this planet that can hold a candle to obesity.

So here I am … 5 years out from the life saving WLS (Roux-n-y) I had. It truly gave me back my world. I lost 145 lbs! Everyday is a blessing, a bonus and a great gift that to me is a miracle and beyond my wildest hopes and dreams.

Despite this great gift, I still wage the battle everyday. Yeap …inside, the same dark demons are driving me to eat the wrong foods, eat more than I should and not exercise as much as I should. It’s easy to compromise the WLS tool we’re given. A little taste here, a little there, a few extra trips to the fridge after dinner …it all adds up.

So in the last while, I’ve been asking myself that same old question that was always in my mind before surgery…why am I putting this food in my mouth? Why am I over eating?

There is no simple answer. It includes the memory of my mother telling me to “clean your plate …there are hungry kids in Africa that would love to be in your place”! It includes some personality disorder that I don’t even begin to understand, but have accepted that I must have. It includes a social system of fast foods, junk foods and prepackaged foods that call to me ALL the time. It includes the age of communications, where I spend more time writing about being fat than working from dawn to dusk in a field growing food like my grand father did. It includes a predisposition of my genetics. It includes the financial ability to “stock” my selves with food, making it so much easier to graze when I want. It includes being depressed and looking for solace in food. It includes the salty, sweet tastes and textures of my addiction which I still crave.

Yes, I’m an Obesaholic (I just created a new word) and like an alcoholic the 1st step on the program is to admit it. Now if only I could put the bottle away! The 2nd step might be a lot easier if I didn’t have to have food in the house.

From one Obesaholic to another, I admit that I’ve gained back a few pounds since my surgery. I haven’t given up though and you can’t either. Today is a new start. We all get to make choices again today. It’s truly, in every sense a battle, every moment of every day. Some days won’t be as good as others, and I’m OK with that. The reason? Because I know now that I will never give up. I’ve tasted (may be the wrong metaphor here) what it’s like to walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath, I’ve walked for miles and felt no pain. I don’t need an extender belt when I get in an air plane and last but certainly not least, hugs are way better now.

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